Heart Of A Giver

It was 4 in the morning. Quickly I grabbed my phone just to ensure no notification coming in. One missed call from my dad at 3.15am. Please, not now, please. Getting a missed call or even messages at this hour was not a good sign. Not at all to me. I phoned my dad back but no answer. I was worried and panicked. I tried to call my brother. No answer as well. I even called my sisters but negative. That was when I realized it was still early in the morning. Perhaps my dad had mistakenly dialed my number. I tried to sleep afterwards but my instinct had blocked my brain to continue resting. I looked at my boys. They were still in a deep sleep so I better checked on my e-mails, WhatsApp in case there was an urgent message. Then the WhatsApp message appeared from my dad after I turned the data on. GONE..

"Hang dah makan?" Her all-time favorite question. No matter how long we have not seen each other, the tenderness I feel when I am with her has never changed. So much love was given from the day I was born and never once I heard her yelling or screaming her voice out. Such a lovely lady she was and I am so honored to write a story about her today. This is a story about Atok; my late grandmother.

I could not remember how much tears running down my cheeks since the moment I received the WhatsApp message from my dad. My grandmother had just passed away. I was in a deep sorrow and it was heartbreaking knowing that I was late, too late to be there. On March 21st, my parents went back to Penang to visit Atok after we found out that she was unwell. I wanted to go too but I told myself that I will be spending more time during Hari Raya this year in Penang. March, April, May, June; 4 months to go. Still can wait, I thought. If things are getting worst, my dad will let me know earlier. But my thought had slipped away when the news came on my phone screen. My heart was broken into pieces of regret for not making an effort to visit Atok. No one to be blamed but me and only me.

Her loss affects me emotionally even though we were physically separated all this while by a distance as she was in Penang and I am in Johor and we only met once a year but that could not change the fact that I miss her so much until now. The kind of pain inside my heart which always left me with tears whenever she came across my mind. Since I was little, a month of school holidays spent in Penang was the most awaited moments in a year! My siblings and I were so excited and we did not bother about the absence of our parents for the whole month since we knew Atok will be there. She was kind, too kind for a human. She was funny and had a very high sense of humor. I love her companion, I love her cooking and I love everything about her.

I still remember after I went back from the grave, in the car I asked my dad, "Ayah rasa macam mana Tok Wan nanti lepas Atok tak ada?" Tok Wan is my grandfather; Atok's husband. My dad told me that Tok Wan must be really sad, even more depressed than us. I nodded with more tears pouring down and my dad said something which I will never ever forget;

Atok was a great person. Before she left, she sought for forgiveness from Tok Wan. Every single seconds left, she kept on reminding others to prepare the food for Tok Wan and everybody in the house since she was unable to do so. Always thinking of everyone else's even in a critical situation. Even until her very last breath, she never neglected her role as a wife and a mother and a grandmother. She is indeed a special person with full of love and kindness and I have so much respect for her due to every single thing that she gave. 

 Atok with baby Ikmal back in 2015

I have learned few valuable lessons from Atok;

• Forgiving and seek for forgiveness - To some people, forgiving is easy and to seek for forgiveness is the other way round. Depending on the situation, I believe both actions are worthwhile. As for me, I will open up my heart to seek for forgiveness once I am ready to forgive at the first place. Being able to forgive people on what they have done is very difficult to me. I need time to think, to evaluate, and to heal. But when I heard about what Atok did, I was touched and alarmed. I do not know how much time left for me in this world and to waste my time controlling my ego over forgiving and to seek for forgiveness is needless. I am adamant to be a forgiver as that is the real challenge for me now. But I know I can be one because I am already a forgiver at heart =)
• Stay contented with your role - Atok held her responsibility perfectly. She knew her role as a wife and highly concerned on her husband's welfare even though she was not fit to physically prepared the food for instance. Atok was a full-time housewife and her life was devoted to her husband since she was 14 years old. Taking care of her six children while Tok Wan was in the military and not to whine over the challenges had actually proven that nothing can beat a mother's sacrifice. I am currently playing multiple roles in my life as a servant of God, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, an employee, a friend, a house-keeper, a teacher and more to list down. It is impossible for me to be the perfect one but I will give my very best for each role. 
• Be kind - Kindness is not an option. Being kind will give you no harm in fact it attracts more kindness in return. We can change a lot of things with kindness. Kindness allows positive outcomes and never ever doubt the impact it has in our life.

It has been almost two months after Atok passed away. She will never ever be forgotten, I swear. I pray that Allah will grant her heaven with His mercy and last but not least, I love you, Atok. Al-Fatihah..

The end. Thank you! =)