I Love You, Ibu

My life has been so quiet ever since Ibu, my beloved mother passed away, two weeks ago. Such a huge loss to me and nothing can compare to the pain that I feel inside until now. Why am I tested this way? I have not done enough yet for her, I still want more time to be with her and to serve her as much as I can. I wanted her to see me growing to be someone she wished me to be. I wanted to show her that I can live my life independently. I wanted to show her that I can cook now, even not as good as the others. I wanted to show her that I am capable of handling work pressure and not to worry about people taking advantage on me. I wanted to show her that I am learning to be the best mother to my kids and most of all, I wanted her to be proud of having me as her daughter. Did she realise the progress that I have made? Did it make her feel good? What else did I miss to show you, Ibu?

Recalling back the memories, we found out that Ibu had a brain tumour in 2009 and it was non-aggressive. In 2016, she had stroke for the first time but she came back healthy after a week in the hospital. She had her second stroke in 2018 but she was still able to do physical activities, she could walk and eat on her own too. We even went for our last vacation on my birthday in August 2019 before the pandemic hit the world. All the while, she never complained about her health, in fact she had a better appetite than me. Only in May 2021, she couldn't stand or move on her own, she felt weak. She was bedridden but still can eat as usual. We wanted to call in physiotherapist but there was a limitation due to RMO so we waited, waited and waited. 

Her health started to deteriorate significantly end of August this year and that was when I took a drastic decision for a long unpaid leave from work and rescheduled my time for managing PdPR, so that I can give my utmost attention to her. It was only for a month and she was then admitted to the hospital on her 65th birthday (12 September 2021) due to aspiration pneumonia. Her condition worsened after three days in the hospital and the doctor said that she will not get any better and asked us to bring her back home. We decided to admit her to another hospital for a second opinion. We then found out that she had a back sore infection which required immediate surgery (note: the first hospital never mentioned about the back sore at all). We agreed for surgery as that will remove the infection which will put her at high risk if not treated. Like I have mentioned, she never complained about her health and I spoke to her before she was admitted, "Ibu, kita kena buat surgery untuk remove infection tu, kalau tak nanti Ibu sakit. Ocay, Ibu?" She nodded and I knew at that time she was in so much pain. I promised myself that I will look after her well as by end of this year, she will be able to go for another vacation with us. That was my target. I believe that she will recover from her illness because she was the strongest women I have ever met and her recovery was beyond expectation. But God took her away, unexpectedly, right in front of my eyes on that peaceful morning. Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un...

I have many thoughts in my mind but it feels empty. I have different kind of emotions in my heart but it feels empty. I have hectic schedules with PdPR but it feels empty. I have plenty of house chores to do but it feels empty. I have number of kids at home but it feels empty. The world is getting busy as we are shifting to endemic phase but my world is frozen in time. I am lost most of the time. Nothing feels right to me. I want to move on as fast as I can but whenever I tried to divert my focus onto other things, an emptiness strikes in. Not a feeling or a thought or a moment; it is just indescribable. How am I going to endure this situation? I pray that God will show me the way to heal this broken heart but the more I pushed myself, the more I feel miserable. What should I do?

Allow time to time...

I will be back. Stronger. I promise. I miss you, Ibu...

The end. Thank you! :)

Three Magical Words

We are already in Q3 of 2021! Half a year passed by and all I can remember is I am still at HOME. Staying at HOME (SAH). Working from HOME (WFH). Teaching and Learning at HOME (PdPR). What a challenging year we are all in now since COVID-19 hits the world in 2020. A lot of sufferings, disappointments, pains (not to mention deaths) due to this pandemic and everyone is trying their level best to adapt with the new norms which is not that easy. Recently, we were in shock with the continuously increasing number of positive cases despite the third lockdown imposed. The sudden spike in suicidal rate is terrifying as well. Everyone is surviving to live a life, a decent life. 

How’s my life at HOME?

I am one of those who is affected mentally, emotionally, physically and all the -lly -lly you can relate to this pandemic. The PdPR takes the biggest portion of my time daily. So, how is this PdPR challenging from my point of view? 

• The kids’ tasks will be assigned in Google Classroom or through my WhatsApp or Telegram channels. I need to stay alert on the messages coming in at all time, yes! So that I won’t miss out the tasks given to the kids. Can't they just sync every communication in one channel only?
• There will be Zoom or Google Meet classes daily and each sessions will take about an hour or more. Sitting next to them (especially Ikmal) during the classes really put me in a distress mode as I couldn't do any other work. Note that I am WFH too. The attention span for the kids (especially during PdPR) is very low. They are pretentious creatures behind the screen.
• Ilyas is a bit independent since he is already 9, while Ikmal who is just 7 (with less interest in formal learning); online classes is such a challenge to him especially when the subjects require deeper understanding on the concept. With only videos as tutorials for instance, I have to explain (teach?) again to make sure he can absorb the information before he can really do his work. 
• Later I have to snap the photos of the completed tasks, print out the worksheets or send the kids' videos and turn in the tasks according to the timeline given. There's a name list to be updated on who has completed the tasks as well in the WhatsApp or Telegram - I don't like this, haha! I feel guilty every time I got the kids' names at the bottom 5. Is it really necessary though? As long as they submitted within the timeline given is fine, right?
• Waiting for the kids to finish the online sessions is one thing. Adding an extra time to explain again the concept after the online sessions ended is another thing. Ensuring them to complete the tasks given after the online sessions is also a thing. 

After looking at how haywire my life was for the past months with the PdPR and WFH (SAH can be stressful too), I have decided to give myself a decent escapism just to keep me sane. I found an easy and achievable escapism that works for me. It’s planting! Not a tree (yet) but I am planting these three magical words in my mind. I started to use these three magical words more often when I was burnt out struggling to cope with too many ‘hats’ at HOME and when I found myself lost in between the ‘roles’. These are one of the magical words which I found impactful other than Sorry, Please and Thanks. 

• I couldn't get the kids to attend the online sessions when the time clashes with my work schedule; "It is okay, we will catch up later, boys". "It is okay" if the PdPR didn't go smoothly last week, let's rock it next week.
• The kids are mentally exhausted when there are too many tasks a day; "It is okay, go and play first". "It is okay" if I let the kids playing outside, they need to say Hi to the outside world.
• I have a very limited time to cook while monitoring the PdPR; "It is okay, let's GRAB some food for lunch". "It is okay" if I skip cooking for a day or two, I can spend some for the economy then.
• The pending house chores as an ordinary SAH mother; "It is okay, I will sort them out by end of the day". "It is okay" to take your time and binge on the Netflix for a while, Ili Liyana.

I feel guilty at first as "It is okay" seems like procrastinating or finding excuses to avoid getting the job done. As a person who is very concerned on planning, I feel defeated by going against my stance. A lot of thoughts running in my mind whether I am doing things the right way and I realise that in this moment of uncertainty; one's mental health is important. Regardless of whatever situation I am dealing with now, I have to be mentally strong. SAH, WFH, PdPR - these are all HOME-based situational changes which I need to quickly adapt to in order to keep me sane. What is the point of breaking down just because I fail to control myself over things I can't control? Why should I spend my time on a single thing that will drain my energy for the whole day? How can I be more productive if perfection is all I want in everything I do? These thoughts are crucial to be taken seriously as it will affect my mental health later. Hence, I am practicing this simple self-control method by planting these three magical words.

It. Is. Okay.

We are now living in an era of pandemic. No one is aware of it coming. But here it is. The reality of surviving relies on our mental health, so please keep ourselves sane by training our minds to stay calm in every situation. Don't put more pressure on things we can't control. Fill our days with happiness. Appreciate every single moment before it becomes a memory. Be thankful that we are still alive amidst this pandemic. 

Last but not least, "It is okay". These hard days will come to an end soon. Hang in there, everyone!

The end. Thank you! :)

The Hardest "C"

I was not born to be a speaker but I love to speak, haha! I enjoy talking to people and asking zillions of questions especially when the environment encourages or demands me to do so. That is why I could easily have a lengthy conversation even with a stranger. "Do not talk to strangers". I could not recall my parents telling me this when I was young. Perhaps the time back then, it was not harmful to talk to people who you do not know. When I was 10, while waiting for our delayed flight in Turkey, I killed the time wandering around in the airport and had several conversations with the retailers there. I got free drinks and snacks after my casual talking with them. I was not sure what I was babbling about, definitely I was not there for freebies, no no, haha! I just enjoyed talking to the so-called strangers even without mastering my second language yet the confidence I had was excessive. 

 

That was the 10-year-old me. No expectation. No judgement. I could talk with confidence without having to worry of what others will think of me. But things have changed when I actually learned about human psychology. How a person thinks and reacts are driven by numerous factors i.e. knowledge, experience, culture and so on. What person A thinks is right might be wrong from person B's view and vice versa. Often, I put all aspects of other people’s thinking into my thought. Their expectation. Their judgement. I am too concerned on others and least bothered about my own thinking. At an instance, my confidence level will be deteriorating especially when the subject I am fighting for or talking about is prone to arguments due to different perspectives. At the end, I raise the white flag. Because I considered others' views before mine. So, where did my confidence go? Am I not a confident person anymore? What makes me "giving up" my own thoughts? It is because of the vitamin "C". The confidence is still in me but I am just lacking of another vitamin “C”.

 

I had dwelt with moments of depression few years back because I was lacking of this vitamin "C". Those times were disastrous because I did not have this "C" in me. I have tried at one point of time to bring the "C" out of me but I failed to do so. I thought it was easier; easier said than done, yes (at least to me). People say being confident is rewarding but with this "C", it will add more value than a reward can give.

 

Another valuable vitamin "C"

Over the time, I realize that courage becomes the hardest "noun" and it takes me to think of how could I earn it without dragging other people's thoughts into my mind during the searching. I need to have courage to say "Yes" when no is what others are expecting. I need to have courage to "Move Forward" when the surroundings are holding me back. I need to have courage to "Take Risk" when uncertainty is my biggest obstacles. I need to have courage to become someone I never thought I will be. It takes courage to think about being courageous. 

Having confidence alone is less influential if you are not backed up with courage. I am not 100% courageous as I speak now but I keep the percentage growing every day by:-

1. Self-value : No one will value you as much as you value yourself. Do not wait for other people to encourage, praise, persuade or criticise you. You know yourself better than anyone else in this world. So, appreciate yourself every single day. If you feel you have not done much for today, tell yourself to take a break for a while and be ready for a better tomorrow. Appreciate what you have done instead. You are valuable, remember!
2. Worry-less : Do not go overboard with things you can not control. Do not put much worries on every problems as they come with solutions. If you can not solve the biggest, try with the smallest first. If you can not find ways to the hardest, go for the easiest ones. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace. So, do not to make yourself stress over everything in life. Your life is too short to be thinking about everything seriously. 
3. Counter-fear : Know what is your biggest fear and get over it! The toughest indeed. How do I overcome my fear? Point 1 and Point 2 applied :)

We are now under RMO 2.0 and I believe this year will be another challenging year to everyone out there. Embrace the new norms and let's be the best version of ourselves. 

Happy Courageous 2021!

The end. Thank you! :)