HIM Whom I Love

I wanted to write an entry for him, especially for him yesterday. I would like him to know how grateful I am to finally welcome him to this world. But due to time constraint, I can only make it up today. A meaningful story of him.. 

It was a year ago, 16/09/2014;

It was 12 midnight and Ilyas was sleeping soundly beside me while I had to bear with the pain in my stomach. I had stomach cramp since Maghrib. I couldn't move a lot and I have decided to lay down and took a nap while waiting for Darling Hubby to come back home. Will it be today? At this hour? Darling Hubby told me to get ready to the hospital. I said I need more time to finish reading this zikir book given by my mother when I was first pregnant with Ilyas. This book is really helpful to keep me calm and feel at ease during contractions. After I kissed Ilyas and asked for my parents' forgiveness, I went straight away to the hospital with the contractions felt in every 10 minutes.

I have already dilated at 4cm when I reached the hospital. At 6cm, I was moved to the labour room and it was 4 in the morning. I was lucky because Darling Hubby was with me all the time. The contractions became more stronger and this time I couldn't keep calm because the Doctor said I need to wait until 10cm dilated but I couldn't wait for more than 10 seconds! I had to endure the pain in order to avoid any inconvenience due to my health problem. I kept on asking the Nurse, "Boleh saya push sekarang? Saya rasa dah nak bersalin ni". She might get annoyed with me but I couldn't help it, sorry.. With Bismillah and Selawat, she assisted me really well and after fourth time pushing, he made his first appearance in front of Darling Hubby and I. Alhamdulillah..

"He is a strong boy"

That was the first thing that I had in mind while touching his bare face. I couldn't describe the feeling in words but enough to say that he has a look which can melt my heart and make me cry. 

Muhammad Ikmal Hakimi at 1 day old =)

Giving birth to him was a real challenge and the experience I had with him in the hospital was dramatically mournful. I tried not to recall the memories of us in the hospital as it has a big and negative impact to me emotionally, to be specific. As a mother, I want only the best for my baby. What happened back then was beyond my expectation and I pray that Allah will keep those memories away from him.

"He is a survivor"

His jaundice level was inconsistent and on Day 7 of his life, he went through a phototheraphy treatment. He was warded in the evening and I told the Doctor that I wanted to accompany him but all babies need to stay at their cot during the treatment and I was advised not to hold onto him too often except for feeding session only. That night before I went home, I looked and stayed with him beside his cot. He cried, I clearly heard his voice but I couldn't hold him. It was too painful for me seeing him like that but Darling Hubby said I have to let it be so that he will recover soon. I could only pray that Allah will protect my baby and before I left, I spoke to one of the Nurse, "Tolong jaga anak saya ye, terima kasih banyak2 tolong tengok kan dia". I was so clueless and cried all the way back home. I couldn't sleep well, I woke up and pumped as much as I can. I need to supply enough milk to my baby as I didn't want the Nurse to feed him with formula milk without my consent. Alhamdulillah, the next day he was discharged..

"He is healthy and happy"

Knowing his struggles since the day he was born, I promise myself that I have to pay extra care on his well being. He is easily amused and it is not difficult to make him laugh or smile. He started solids at 6 months old and his favourite meal is chicken porridge! I have seen him eating various kind of solids but when it comes to chicken meals, he will open his mouth wider than usual. He loves playing with his brother Ilyas and his sister Iman. Even though he looks bigger at his age, he has a soft heart and easily pour his tears out whenever he feels threatened or insecure (most babies do, right?). Every time I see the smile on his face, it will slowly erased the moments when I saw him cried at the cot waiting for someone to hold him up. Now he doesn't have to worry about being left out alone as I will be with him as long as I can be.

"He is a clingy boy"

I have the intention of breastfeeding him until he weans off himself. Like his brother, Ilyas weaned off when he was 18 months old and already started formula milk at 9 months old. Whilst for him, he is still breastfeeding and refused formula as far as I am aware of. Maybe that is one of the reasons of him being clingy to his Mama? So far, I had once left him at night due to my working schedule that I had to be out of town for a day only. He passed the day without formula milk and I realize the needs is still there and I will never give up on supplying the milk for him. Clingy boy is already 1 year old and I am happy that he is still clingy to me even though at times being clingy is intolerable, haha!

My Dear Ikmal Hakimi,

For having you in my life has given a wonderful strengths and spirits for me to continuously provide the best for you and our family as a whole. Your presence is very much treasured by all of us and we will never be this happy without you coming into the picture. You captured my eyes the first time I saw you and I hope my eyes won't forget how beautiful you are since the day you were born and after a year, now you have grown up to be such a happy and adorable baby of mine. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart because of you, I know how does it feel being left out alone; I understand the fear of not having anyone to cling onto; and I truly believe that what you have encountered all this while are meant to mold you to be someone powerful in the future, In Sha Allah. I pray for your happiness, wealth and success and whoever you wanna be, make sure you chose to be the one who put Allah as your utmost priority over anything else in this world. Happy birthday, baby! 

                                            Love You Forever, Mama, 17/09/2016, 5.00pm

The end. Thank you! =)

Leaving August Feelingly

August has gone leaving me with a full package of feelings! The mixture of positive and negative feelings which made my days more momentous from day one till the end. People will normally prefer good news to be heard prior to bad news. As for me, either good or bad since it is a news, just bring it on! *I have to be mentally prepared for having this kind of statement*. Haha! Okay, moving on to the subject for today's entry i.e. feelings. So, good or bad feelings first? 

#1 - Frustration

This only happens when Hari Raya fell in the middle of the month. Salary was credited earlier for the celebration and of course the amount spent along the way was unexpected even though there is always a contingency savings. I might have miscalculated on the budget but since we celebrated Aidilfitri once a year, I took it as a lesson learnt to be more critical on the budgeting. But seriously, where had the money gone to? Need to survive for another six weeks, huuu frust frust frust... 

#2 - Happy

Of course August is a happy month for me. Lots of memorable things happened this month. Ilyas's birthday was on the 11th and mine was on 30th and lucky me 31st is Malaysia National Day and it fell on Monday the most unwanted day among the weekdays. A long holiday with Darling Hubby and beloved ones around, nothing is more happening than that. Thanks for all the love, guys!

#3 - Anger

If there is a really specific class for Anger Management, I would really love to enroll myself in. I do not know how to control my anger especially when things went haywire but all I have with me is myself and the kids unfortunately. The scenario always happened when Darling Hubby was not around. The kids had drastically tested my patience level and the Tarzan within me will come out naturally because they asked for it. Ilyas called me as Kak Ros in Upin Ipin as he said "Mama garahhh (garang)". How can I not be garah if you made me naik darah? I couldn't leave Ilyas with Ikmal without supervision not because that I am afraid Ikmal will fall here and there but I am sure he will get punched by Ilyas. Why? Because this little brother always wanted to play along with his big brother but the big brother has his own preference while playing with the toys. "Mama, jangan langgar car ni dah susun dah. Kan dah gerak ni!" --> not even an inch okay. The problem was he placed all the toys on the floor so obviously Ikmal can easily grabbed it while crawling. I couldn't bathe at peace as Ikmal's cries is ear-soring not only to my ears but to our neighbours' as well.

#4 - Indecisive

This is one negative feeling which is really hard for me to avoid. Being indecisive is troublesome especially when the situation demands you to be the decision maker. This is the favourite question asked by my colleagues when the clock ticks at 1pm. "Eh, makan mana?". Even when we were already in the car, even at the junction to two different destinations, the decision has yet to be made! Normally 10 to 15 minutes will be wasted on the route just to get the final decision for lunch! 

#5 - Whateverrrr...

Remember in my last entry that I was so excited to bring my kids out for birthday celebration since Darling Hubby was home? But due to unforeseen circumstances, the plan had to be cancelled. I called this as a whateverr feeling, haha! You have started your day with positive vibes, had various feelings all day long but at the end of the day you will look into yourself at the mirror, while brushing your teeth before sleep with the thought of what actually happened today that made my day huh(?) and how tomorrow will be ya(?) yet today has not gone yet. So, hmmm yeaahhh, whateverr...

My superheroes captured in a mixed feelings =)

Alhamdulillah, I have managed to sum up my August month even though this entry came a bit late but the appreciation that I have for this month is optional. 

The end. Thank you! =)