My life has been so quiet ever since Ibu, my beloved mother passed away, two weeks ago. Such a huge loss to me and nothing can compare to the pain that I feel inside until now. Why am I tested this way? I have not done enough yet for her, I still want more time to be with her and to serve her as much as I can. I wanted her to see me growing to be someone she wished me to be. I wanted to show her that I can live my life independently. I wanted to show her that I can cook now, even not as good as the others. I wanted to show her that I am capable of handling work pressure and not to worry about people taking advantage on me. I wanted to show her that I am learning to be the best mother to my kids and most of all, I wanted her to be proud of having me as her daughter. Did she realise the progress that I have made? Did it make her feel good? What else did I miss to show you, Ibu?
Recalling back the memories, we found out that Ibu had a brain tumour in 2009 and it was non-aggressive. In 2016, she had stroke for the first time but she came back healthy after a week in the hospital. She had her second stroke in 2018 but she was still able to do physical activities, she could walk and eat on her own too. We even went for our last vacation on my birthday in August 2019 before the pandemic hit the world. All the while, she never complained about her health, in fact she had a better appetite than me. Only in May 2021, she couldn't stand or move on her own, she felt weak. She was bedridden but still can eat as usual. We wanted to call in physiotherapist but there was a limitation due to RMO so we waited, waited and waited.
Her health started to deteriorate significantly end of August this year and that was when I took a drastic decision for a long unpaid leave from work and rescheduled my time for managing PdPR, so that I can give my utmost attention to her. It was only for a month and she was then admitted to the hospital on her 65th birthday (12 September 2021) due to aspiration pneumonia. Her condition worsened after three days in the hospital and the doctor said that she will not get any better and asked us to bring her back home. We decided to admit her to another hospital for a second opinion. We then found out that she had a back sore infection which required immediate surgery (note: the first hospital never mentioned about the back sore at all). We agreed for surgery as that will remove the infection which will put her at high risk if not treated. Like I have mentioned, she never complained about her health and I spoke to her before she was admitted, "Ibu, kita kena buat surgery untuk remove infection tu, kalau tak nanti Ibu sakit. Ocay, Ibu?" She nodded and I knew at that time she was in so much pain. I promised myself that I will look after her well as by end of this year, she will be able to go for another vacation with us. That was my target. I believe that she will recover from her illness because she was the strongest women I have ever met and her recovery was beyond expectation. But God took her away, unexpectedly, right in front of my eyes on that peaceful morning. Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un...
I have many thoughts in my mind but it feels empty. I have different kind of emotions in my heart but it feels empty. I have hectic schedules with PdPR but it feels empty. I have plenty of house chores to do but it feels empty. I have number of kids at home but it feels empty. The world is getting busy as we are shifting to endemic phase but my world is frozen in time. I am lost most of the time. Nothing feels right to me. I want to move on as fast as I can but whenever I tried to divert my focus onto other things, an emptiness strikes in. Not a feeling or a thought or a moment; it is just indescribable. How am I going to endure this situation? I pray that God will show me the way to heal this broken heart but the more I pushed myself, the more I feel miserable. What should I do?
Allow time to time...
I will be back. Stronger. I promise. I miss you, Ibu...
The end. Thank you! :)
