Monday, 1 January 2018

Now Or Never

She looked at herself in the mirror. The cheerful face once remembered was not on the reflection anymore. Instead, a pale gloomy face was the only image to be seen in that cosy master bedroom. Looking around, her eyes were searching for those little figures that used to be running all over the places and throwing their tantrums as if the world has never been on their side. Her fingers gracefully untied her pony tail just to let her hair flow as much as she wanted to let her tears flowing down her cheeks. “I miss themso much!” she sighed. Her ears were longing for those irritable yet fancy noises which at times made her day turn upside down. Her heart was now filled with countless of regrets and deep within she hoped that the day was only a dream. She laid down on her comfy bed while reminiscing the moments of her past with them.


Ikmal hugged me followed by Ilyas as I entered the house. All of the problems bothering my mind just slipped away the moment I looked into those angels of mine smiling beautifully waiting to be cuddled in my arms.

Ilyas is my eldest son. He has been clingy ever since he was born and I couldn’t believe he will turn 6 years old this year. He is a smart boy who loves lego and arts. Recalling each moments with him; I found that he is a highly sensitive person. He is much attached to me physically and emotionally as compared to his brother. Between Ilyas and his brother, Ilyas is more prone to be hugged and kissed and he also shows more affection towards everyone around him. Being the first child, the first nephew and the first grandchild, he is blessed with so much love and attention since he came into our life. He is very mature emotionally I would say and this reminds me to always be his biggest and closest supporter every time he needs me. But sometimes I forgot. I would have lost my patience and tolerance when suddenly he became rebellious on little things which don’t seem relevant to me. I ended up scolding him because of his behaviour but once again, I forgot. He was only expressing his feelings and at his age, managing emotions is not easy. Now that he has grown up, I feel very upset because I failed to show him how to take control of the emotions the right way earlier. Books can give me valuable knowledge but experience teaches me how to put the knowledge into practice. But it is easier said than done when it comes to parenting. I failed most of the time! *double sigh*

Creativity has no limit; Ilyas with his lego creation

Having Ikmal is another wonderful gift to me. He is the second baby of mine. This cheeky boy is so obsessed with lorries and he turns 4 this year! This happy tiny tod is now ready to meet the outside world. He will be going to kindergarten today, I am super nervous! The last time I sent him out, he was hospitalized after a week being there. Now 3 years has passed, I believe he is able to cope with the changes around him. When dealing with Ikmal, the feeling of relief is always there and to me, he is such an adorable and easy kid. He is not expressive like Ilyas however he is more observant not only to the surroundings but also to the emotions within. Ikmal has a tendency to give way to other people and I can see the cue of empathy is developing well from him. Being the second child in the family with a dominant elder brother; Ikmal becomes naturally independent. He is clingy too but he knows when to give space to me literally. Last October 2017, I spent almost a week in the hospital taking care of my mother where I had to leave both of my kids at home. I told Ikmal about the situation and he said, “Tak apa, Mama. Ikmal tidur rumah Atok. Ikmal ocay, Mama”. I didn’t get the chance to meet him during the period and I was really depressed. But Ikmal seemed like he truly understood my limitations and I feel it even until now that he has a magical emotional bonding with me. The feeling which I felt the moment I saw his face when he was born. I couldn’t find the right word for that feeling because it is so special and unique which can be felt only between me and him.

Indecisive; Ikmal got himself confused whether he liked it or not

I have 2 hours left before the school ends. It is the first day of the year! I am so nervous because school is coming and this year, I will be sending not only Ilyas but also Ikmal to the new school. I have to put both boys at the same school due to logistic issue and I have to believe that this is the best decision so far. I always have my-one-kind-of perception when it comes to school. I still remember how difficult it was for me to enjoy my schooling years. I didn’t like kindergarten. I would cry all day long. In fact, I would be carried out by the school bus driver every day, Pakcik Majid because I just hated being in school environment. Things became worst when I was in my first primary school. I was enrolled until evening session. I couldn’t remember any happy moments but all I know; I would call my father every afternoon making random excuses that I was unable to continue the evening session i.e. feeling sick. Or if my father rejected my silly excuses; I would sleep throughout the evening session in the classroom! That was me and my childhood experience. How about my boys? I wish them the greatest experience ever! Therefore, I have to be all prepared to ensure the boys have the best experience they deserve this year.

Check out my 2018 checklist below:-

  • To sleep at 10pm the latest every day because I need to encounter my sleep deprivation issue and of course I want the boys to have adequate sleep at night so they will be energetic throughout the day!
  • To prepare my working attire for 5 days in advance so that I don’t have to waste my time thinking of what to wear to the office. Because now I have 3 persons (including myself) to be dealt with and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s mood early in the morning.
  • To have outdoor activities with my boys every Saturdays. I know where I should bring them now; a place where I can manage them safely on my own.
  • To read more books with different genre. I am finalizing the list and will purchase them sooner.
  • To review my 2017 KPI at work and continue to do well for my 2018 KPI despite the challenging market growth.
  • To write, write and write!

Overall my 2018 will be more or less the same in terms of my daily routines. I don’t feel like changing it however my priority now is of course on my kids’ well being. I don’t want to have more regrets by not nourishing the moments with my kids now. Ilyas is 6 and Ikmal is 4 only once and I don't want to live every single day complaining on how tough parenting is. I have to change my attitude towards them now or I will spend my life pathetically later. The imagination earlier shouldn't be haunting me and I wish it will never be true. I have to make the changes now. I know the time will pass by and one day I have to let them go. I have learnt from the past year that work has no end unless I put an end to it. To be able to live the days satisfactorily, I have to be happy at the first place. I found my happiness by seeing my loved ones happy. Make them happy now; that is my daily target and I have to hit it no matter what. I guess my 2018 will be filled with much more happiness and I am so excited to make it happen now!

Happy 2018, everyone! It all starts now!

The end. Thank you! =)

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