Three Magical Words

We are already in Q3 of 2021! Half a year passed by and all I can remember is I am still at HOME. Staying at HOME (SAH). Working from HOME (WFH). Teaching and Learning at HOME (PdPR). What a challenging year we are all in now since COVID-19 hit the world in 2020. A lot of sufferings, disappointments, pains (not to mention deaths) due to this pandemic and everyone is trying their level best to adapt with the new norms which is not that easy. Recently, we were in shock with the continuously increasing number of positive cases despite the third lockdown imposed. The sudden spike in suicidal rate is terrifying as well. Everyone is surviving to live a life, a decent life. 

How’s my life at HOME?

I am one of those who is affected mentally, emotionally, physically and all the -lly -lly you can relate to this pandemic. The PdPR takes the biggest portion of my time daily. So, how is this PdPR challenging from my point of view? 

• The kids’ tasks will be assigned in Google Classroom or through my WhatsApp or Telegram channels. I need to stay alert on the messages coming in at all time, yes! So that I won’t miss out the tasks given to the kids. Can't they just sync every communication in one channel only?
• There will be Zoom or Google Meet classes daily and each sessions will take about an hour or more. Sitting next to them (especially Ikmal) during the classes really put me in a distress mode as I couldn't do any other work. Note that I am WFH too. The attention span for the kids (especially during PdPR) is very low. They are pretentious creatures behind the screen.
• Ilyas is a bit independent since he is already 9, while Ikmal who is just 7 (with less interest in formal learning); online classes is such a challenge to him especially when the subjects require deeper understanding on the concept. With only videos as tutorials for instance, I have to explain (teach?) again to make sure he can absorb the information before he can really do his work. 
• Later I have to snap the photos of the completed tasks, print out the worksheets or send the kids' videos and turn in the tasks according to the timeline given. There's a name list to be updated on who has completed the tasks as well in the WhatsApp or Telegram - I don't like this, haha! I feel guilty every time I got the kids' names at the bottom 5. Is it really necessary though? As long as they submitted within the timeline given is fine, right?
• Waiting for the kids to finish the online sessions is one thing. Adding an extra time to explain again the concept after the online sessions ended is another thing. Ensuring them to complete the tasks given after the online sessions is also a thing. 

After looking at how haywire my life was for the past months with the PdPR and WFH (SAH can be stressful too), I have decided to give myself a decent escapism just to keep me sane. I found an easy and achievable escapism that works for me. It’s planting! Not a tree (yet) but I am planting these three magical words in my mind. I started to use these three magical words more often when I was burnt out struggling to cope with too many ‘hats’ at HOME and when I found myself lost in between the ‘roles’. These are one of the magical words which I found impactful other than Sorry, Please and Thanks. 

• I couldn't get the kids to attend the online sessions when the time clashes with my work schedule; "It is okay, we will catch up later, boys". "It is okay" if the PdPR didn't go smoothly last week, let's rock it next week.
• The kids are mentally exhausted when there are too many tasks a day; "It is okay, go and play first". "It is okay" if I let the kids playing outside, they need to say Hi to the outside world.
• I have a very limited time to cook while monitoring the PdPR; "It is okay, let's GRAB some food for lunch". "It is okay" if I skip cooking for a day or two, I can spend some for the economy then.
• The pending house chores as an ordinary SAH mother; "It is okay, I will sort them out by end of the day". "It is okay" to take your time and binge on the Netflix for a while, Ili Liyana.

I feel guilty at first as "It is okay" seems like procrastinating or finding excuses to avoid getting the job done. As a person who is very concerned on planning, I feel defeated by going against my stance. A lot of thoughts running in my mind whether I am doing things the right way and I realise that in this moment of uncertainty; one's mental health is important. Regardless of whatever situation I am dealing with now, I have to be mentally strong. SAH, WFH, PdPR - these are all HOME-based situational changes which I need to quickly adapt to in order to keep me sane. What is the point of breaking down just because I fail to control myself over things I can't control? Why should I spend my time on a single thing that will drain my energy for the whole day? How can I be more productive if perfection is all I want in everything I do? These thoughts are crucial to be taken seriously as it will affect my mental health later. Hence, I am practicing this simple self-control method by planting these three magical words.

It. Is. Okay.

We are now living in an era of pandemic. No one is aware of it coming. But here it is. The reality of surviving relies on our mental health, so please keep ourselves sane by training our minds to stay calm in every situation. Don't put more pressure on things we can't control. Fill our days with happiness. Appreciate every single moment before it becomes a memory. Be thankful that we are still alive amidst this pandemic. 

Last but not least, "It is okay". These hard days will come to an end soon. Hang in there, everyone!

The end. Thank you! :)

The Hardest "C"

I was not born to be a speaker but I love to speak, haha! I enjoy talking to people and asking zillions of questions especially when the environment encourages or demands me to do so. That is why I could easily have a lengthy conversation even with a stranger. "Do not talk to strangers". I could not recall my parents telling me this when I was young. Perhaps the time back then, it was not harmful to talk to people who you do not know. When I was 10, while waiting for our delayed flight in Turkey, I killed the time wandering around in the airport and had several conversations with the retailers there. I got free drinks and snacks after my casual talking with them. I was not sure what I was babbling about, definitely I was not there for freebies, no no, haha! I just enjoyed talking to the so-called strangers even without mastering my second language yet the confidence I had was excessive. 

 

That was the 10-year-old me. No expectation. No judgement. I could talk with confidence without having to worry of what others will think of me. But things have changed when I actually learned about human psychology. How a person thinks and reacts are driven by numerous factors i.e. knowledge, experience, culture and so on. What person A thinks is right might be wrong from person B's view and vice versa. Often, I put all aspects of other people’s thinking into my thought. Their expectation. Their judgement. I am too concerned on others and least bothered about my own thinking. At an instance, my confidence level will be deteriorating especially when the subject I am fighting for or talking about is prone to arguments due to different perspectives. At the end, I raise the white flag. Because I considered others' views before mine. So, where did my confidence go? Am I not a confident person anymore? What makes me "giving up" my own thoughts? It is because of the vitamin "C". The confidence is still in me but I am just lacking of another vitamin “C”.

 

I had dwelt with moments of depression few years back because I was lacking of this vitamin "C". Those times were disastrous because I did not have this "C" in me. I have tried at one point of time to bring the "C" out of me but I failed to do so. I thought it was easier; easier said than done, yes (at least to me). People say being confident is rewarding but with this "C", it will add more value than a reward can give.

 

Another valuable vitamin "C"

Over the time, I realize that courage becomes the hardest "noun" and it takes me to think of how could I earn it without dragging other people's thoughts into my mind during the searching. I need to have courage to say "Yes" when no is what others are expecting. I need to have courage to "Move Forward" when the surroundings are holding me back. I need to have courage to "Take Risk" when uncertainty is my biggest obstacles. I need to have courage to become someone I never thought I will be. It takes courage to think about being courageous. 

Having confidence alone is less influential if you are not backed up with courage. I am not 100% courageous as I speak now but I keep the percentage growing every day by:-

1. Self-value : No one will value you as much as you value yourself. Do not wait for other people to encourage, praise, persuade or criticise you. You know yourself better than anyone else in this world. So, appreciate yourself every single day. If you feel you have not done much for today, tell yourself to take a break for a while and be ready for a better tomorrow. Appreciate what you have done instead. You are valuable, remember!
2. Worry-less : Do not go overboard with things you can not control. Do not put much worries on every problems as they come with solutions. If you can not solve the biggest, try with the smallest first. If you can not find ways to the hardest, go for the easiest ones. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace. So, do not to make yourself stress over everything in life. Your life is too short to be thinking about everything seriously. 
3. Counter-fear : Know what is your biggest fear and get over it! The toughest indeed. How do I overcome my fear? Point 1 and Point 2 applied :)

We are now under RMO 2.0 and I believe this year will be another challenging year to everyone out there. Embrace the new norms and let's be the best version of ourselves. 

Happy Courageous 2021!

The end. Thank you! :)

What's Next?

It happens that COVID-19 outbreak allows us to take a break from what we are doing now. The Restriction Movement Order (RMO) announced by the government has given a significant impact to most of us. I take it as a time for me to stay back, put a pause and reflect on things happening way before this moment so that I will be prepared for the NEXT. 

When I look back, I realise that my time was taken up most on my work life, lesser on my personal life. After a memorable six years with my previous company, I have decided to challenge myself to another venture and started my career with a new company since August 2019. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made so far, it was not easy to be out of the comfort zone; a real challenge it was! Being a person who was not a risk taker and been brought up with very much attention, care and security; I was not used to facing difficulties on my own. All of these scared me. Will I be able to cope with the new role in a new environment? No idea. But somehow I have made up my mind and with the support from my loved ones; I am where I am now. What happen NEXT then?

I can literally say that I spend 3/4 of my time daily to think about work. Really? Really. I am not saying I physically work 18 hours per day but just thinking about it (I dream about work too); it consumes too much of my time, it is the truth! I did not realise it until at certain point of time, work becomes my biggest concern every day. Early morning from waking the kids up until dropping them off to school, I would say, "Let's move faster, Mama have a meeting", "Don't be cranky, Mama got to work", "Please behave yourself, I will meet you soon after I have settled my work". When I got back home, after few hours with the kids, my mind will start planning for tomorrow's work. Again, "Boys, Mama have to sleep now, tomorrow Mama work". My lines are all about my work, work and work. This routine makes me forgot about other important things in my life which I should put my attention to as well i.e. myself, my family and my friends.

The most important things in my life, yet I forgot some times. Sorry, baby...

So, what did I do NEXT?

I changed the way I reacted to things at work. Initially, I can easily get frustrated when things did not go as planned. I wanted minimum mistakes or zero to be exact. I expected problems to be resolved immediately. I was pushing myself to be perfect in everything. But being a perfectionist did not help much with my role now. I got irritated, disappointed, exhausted, tortured and most of the time; I was not happy. I knew I had to do something about it because happiness is essential to me. Then only I started to figure out how to keep myself happy with what I am doing at work:-

• I talk to my family in the morning. Normally the topics will be drawn to, "What's your agenda today? Got meeting?". Not elaborating much on the work, but enough that they know what I am up to. I feel more at ease by knowing that someone is there to listen up to me. Do note that I am so used to get such attention from my loved ones and that makes me happy. Am I an attention seeker? No laaa..
• I settle the tasks which involve others first. I know how does it feel when our work is pending because of other people, so I will make sure that I can assist by all means. I am a wonderful team player if you really know me, but too bad if you fail to notice that haha! Seriously, I feel satisfied by helping out and I am more than happy if you appreciate what I have done.
• I maximise my hours in the office (to think and to act). Everyone is given the same 24 hours every day. Since I am dealing with different portfolios, I have to prioritise my priority. Which comes first, second, third and last? I wanted to do all at one time, that was my strategy before. It was tough, tedious, terrible and toxic! It could be done, yes but I felt restless along the way, I was not happy. Satisfaction was there but not happiness. Now I slowly put a limit to myself in completing a task. I do not rush even I know I could do it. I do not push myself too hard, I give some space and I step back for a while. I do not bring back work matters into my thinking once I am home and I am happier since.
• I eliminate negativity. Yes, this is important! At times, s**t happened, it is normal, right? But honestly, I could not take it before. I took every single things seriously especially when it comes to work related issues. I found myself stuck whenever I dealt with negative thoughts. I would not be happy and it could be seen easily by my reactions. This was not the way, I had to remove this bad element, I thought. How did I deal with it? I filter the information received and always think of the positive side of it first. When I come to work now, I will be least bothered with negative, bad or sad news. Not that I refuse to accept facts but I would be more happy to just ignore it. Ignorance is bliss at this moment. Whoever or whatever irritates me with negativity, I will give a NEXT to it.

I still have lots to do NEXT, especially on my work. But with this RMO, it somehow helps me to think more about myself, my family and my friends. This is the moment where our conscience is tested. I appreciate giving myself a 'break' I actually need, I value the presence of my loved ones especially the kids (they really seek for my utmost attention) and I re-connect with my friends and realise how I miss them badly! Work? Still running in my mind, though! Haha!

Family time, more to come, please!

Let's spend this RMO period at home with our family and keep our bond closer, you will never know what will happen NEXT. 

Stay safe, everyone! 

The end. Thank you! :)

Come-Back Post

It is already the 10th day of Ramadan of Year 2019! I have been out of the blogging radar for a year, congrats for the unproductiveness haha! I am a little bit free now for my 30 minutes of writing so let's just start with May 2019 come-back post. Here goes!

1 May of each year is supposed to be a public holiday for all labour (in Malaysia) but a mother does not get a time off of her role, yes? no? Yes to me. I thought of waking up a bit late on the day itself but the kids were just as energetic as early as 7 in the morning! My boys are early risers just NOT like me, not as their father as well, opsss! The day was spent with me doing the feeding, bathing, screaming, laughing and other verbs which you can relate to parenting especially if you are the default parent. Of course, I felt so tired and I never gave up finding a gap in between the time where I could just rest my body and soul. Peacefully. Without any disruption. But sadly, it never happened. Neverrrrr...

Then came 6 May in which all Muslims started the first day of fasting during Ramadan month. Due to the unpredictable weather now; fasting has become a challenge especially to those who have to be outdoor. My boys were down with fever the first few days of Ramadan because of dehydration. The abnormal heat had hit them pretty much that they could not cope with. They were restless, hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable and cranky but let's face it, boys. That's how you learn and think of others who are unfortunate and also; fasting makes patience pays (trust your mother). My Ramadan so far has been quite moderate. I need to balance out my routines (work and personal) because I want to get a stable work-life environment later. I will do it. I willll...

As I am writing this post, I feel good about everything. It is always such a relief to be able to write and I owe my writing moment quite some time already. I may not be a contented writer who can write every single thing every day. I may not know the right way to convey a message through my stories. I may not even have this 30 minutes anymore in the next days. I don't know. All I know is; I am happy that I can write today :) 

Happy, Happy and Happy!

Just a thought; 

• If being with your family makes you happy; spend as much time as possible with them. 
• If working makes you happy; delegate your daily tasks wisely to ensure productivity.
• If travelling makes you happy; plan your next destination and block your calendar beforehand. 
• But if staying alone makes you happy; be sure that you are not living on earth. Oh, kidding! 

What makes a person happy differs from one another; so my message to you today is - Be happy because you deserve it :)

The end. Thank you! :)

Just Sing It

I dropped Ilyas off to kindergarten this morning with the song Panama playing during his morning exercise. We looked at one another and I started "Zile zile, aa aa". While walking him to the gate, we moved our hands along with the rhythm and Ilyas can't stop smiling; I know he loves this song, so do I. As usual, he will ask me later to sing and dance like how the teachers did. Therefore, I have to at least remember a few lines and repeating them as if I know this song well; it makes him thrilled! So, the eager me googled the net with the hope of singing it out loud to him but wait! This song is in Romanian language! Romanian my goodness, how on earth should I sing it?? 

Another catchy song which reminds me of last year's Despacito. While listening to Panama song, I am writing the thoughts that I had back then when I first listened to Despacito.

Despacito; the song by Luis Fonsi is one of my 2017 favourite songs. When the song first hit the billboard, my Facebook page was spammed with news feed about this song. Since I am from Malaysia, most of the feeds came from our local sources; especially videos of Malay girls singing this song. To be honest, I am impressed! It is so cool that you can sing in Spanish without having to learn about the language at the first place. It takes an appreciable effort to actually articulate the words since Spanish is not our mother tongue; not even our second language. As for me, nothing seems wrong about singing Despacito. I myself have been listening to this song every Wednesdays during Zumba session with my colleagues since months ago. Zumba steps with Despacito is such an enjoyment, you should give it a try. 

I have read from the news that Despacito is actually a bit sensual; based on the lyrics *have to translate it since it is not in English*. In my culture, sex or anything related to it is considered as a taboo subject and it is classified as highly sensitive and not to be discussed openly. No wonder the comments received from the videos of our Malay girls singing the song were a bit controversial (mostly from our locals). A Malay girl singing Spanish's sensual song is unacceptable, they claimed. But, what is so wrong about a Malay girl singing a Spanish song? Have we at the first place ever thought of the meaning behind the song when we first listened to it? Even Justin Bieber was criticized for not pronouncing the words right while singing it. So, ladies and gentlemen, let's look at this issue holistically, shall we?

#1 - Language Acquisition

Do you know that there is a term called a "critical period" for language acquisition? Generally, language can be easily acquired before the "critical period" ends i.e. before the age of seven or at about the age of puberty. That is why it is important to expose your kids with different languages at the early age to promote better acquisition of languages. This situation applies not only for the first language but also to second or even third language. In Malaysia, English is our second language and learning the language itself has been a great challenge. In this Despacito issue, the Malay girls who managed to sing in Spanish with good articulation of the words deserve a token of praises. It is not easy though! The effort of memorizing and articulating language with different phonemes; it should be counted.

#2 - Self-Confidence

Confidence is one of the important pulling factors in oneself to do something. Being confident helps us to be one step ahead of everyone. To be able to sing a Spanish song; someone has to believe that he or she can pronounce the words correctly. Remember when we first started to learn ABC? The process is similar whereby we have to look at the alphabets and memorize the sounds before we can pronounce them fluently. Certain languages have different pronunciation of the letters. I am taking one word from the lyrics; Si, sabes que ya llevo un rato mirandote. The word "que" is pronounced as "k". If I don't listen to the song and simply read it (mind that I don't have any basic knowledge in Spanish language), I will pronounce it is "q". So, if you ask me now about singing this song, I would honestly say that I don't have that confident to sing Despacito. It takes courage and I don't have enough of it for the time being. Who knows later I will learn Spanish? I will upload my video singing Despacito then haha! Let's be more confident with ourselves in everything that we do, ocay? And hats off to those who successfully delivered this song with their beautiful voice. I like it!

#3 - Generalization

Gender bias? When we think of gender as the highlight; we are actually treating this issue unfairly. Yes, the occurrence is so obvious when people tend to criticize only a specific gender singing Despacito. Cultural sensitivity? Like I have mentioned, my culture restricts any taboo subject to be brought up publicly. I was not bothered to look into the translation when I first listened to this song; not until this issue came up. I felt quite offended with the negative comments especially made by our locals as if a Malay girl singing the song is sinful and immoral. I believe it will not be an issue at all if we change the subject to a Malay boy, haha! To simply put a negative remark on a person because of gender and culture; it shows that we are generalizing our thinking based on perception and not on the value that the person possesses. Hence, let's stop generalizing people and appreciate their values. At the end of the day, it is only a song that we are arguing about *sigh*

No issues so far for this Panama song; only the dance challenge which triggers the fun out of it! Oh, well nothing to be highlighted by the locals because the lyrics are not controversial enough I guess?? Haha.. Let's sing it! Panama aa aa, Mile mile..

The end. Thank you! =)

My Unexpected January

It is raining now! I thought of having cendol with Ilyas but I have to cancel our plan due to the unexpected weather. It is unexpected as it was sunny just now and I got my laundry dried up in less than an hour (this is exaggerating because I used the dryer instead, haha); I mean only Ilyas’s school uniform not all. I have just read a few lines in the book I borrowed from my friend and I felt sleepy already. I think it is the weather which makes me feel this way or maybe because I eat a lot or maybe because the house is so quiet or maybe I just don’t know what to do. What an unexpected Sunday. But I don’t want to sleep now. I want to use as much of my time in the day so I will be getting tired and I can sleep at 9 tonight. That is my expectation and I don’t want any unexpected incidents before 9pm, I wish I wish..

I have started 2018 with so many unexpected things. To name a few; I thought Ikmal will be enjoying kindergarten but it turned out the other way round. He went to kindergarten for 7 days only. He was down with fever, cough and flu so I thought of separating him from school for a while. He was okay now but still he refused to go to kindergarten. Whenever I asked him to get ready in the morning, he would cry and insisted to sleep at my parents in law’s house. So over the weekdays last week; Ikmal spent his nights with his grandparents, not going to kindergarten. The most unexpected thing was; he will avoid any physical contact with me every time I wanted to approach him. I couldn’t even hug or kiss him as he thought that I will take him home and tomorrow morning he will be forced to go to kindergarten. Thus the best way to avoid kindergarten is not going back home with Mama and sleep at Atok’s house. Unexpected Scene #1 from a Toddler.

Mom and dad were supposed to fly to Penang on Thursday last week to attend to our relative’s engagement. Tickets were purchased and everything was prepared. On Wednesday morning, dad told me that he had to postpone the flight as he had to meet someone urgently on Friday morning so he couldn’t be flying back and forth. Unfortunately we couldn’t change his ticket so we had to purchase another ticket for my brother since mom couldn’t walk on her own so someone has to accompany her. My baby brother is the best companion at the moment. I thought the unexpected scene was over. Then on Friday morning after the meeting, dad asked me to purchase a flight ticket to Penang for him on Saturday. It might seem normal to others but to a person who doesn’t really like a short-notice kind of thing; this is not cool. Unexpected Scene #2 from a Father.

I thought the work pressure is going to be lesser once the KPI is reviewed but I was wrong, totally wrong! I had a really hard time and I was in a deep trauma for almost three weeks only because of my KPI. I reluctantly agreed with the rating given due to few reasons which I had clearly justified but things went haywire afterwards. It was the most unexpected scene I have ever encountered throughout my working years. But the good thing about this unexpected scene; I came across another unexpected offer for my career development. I will be going to embark to a new journey in my career really soon. Unexpected Scene #3 from Bosses.

Last but not least, as I am writing this entry, I received an unexpected cendol from someone (delivered to my house). Thank you for the cendol, yummmmeeehhh! Unexpected Scene #4 from a Good Friend.

In a nut shell, expectation is like a master mind where it controls how we think, act and feel. It controls both our conscious and sub-conscious mind and of course driven my external factors such as weather, environment and pressure as well. I believe that every single aspects of life have its own expectation and most of the time, I always believe in the smooth deliveries of each expectation. For instance, I expect Ikmal will love school; I expect dad will be flying with mom on Thursday; I expect my boss will accept my justifications; and I expect there will be no cendol today due to the fact that I couldn’t go out since it is still raining. But expectation doesn’t really have to be as per my expectation. It doesn’t work the way I expect it to be all the time. Realities always win over expectations. Therefore, I have to add another link in my mind storage which can control how I think, act and feel for any expected and unexpected scenes in my life.

Since I have been facing quite a number of unexpected scenes this month, I hope I will be more prepared for February and many months ahead. Expect the unexpected!

The end. Thank you! =)

Now Or Never

She looked at herself in the mirror. The cheerful face once remembered was not on the reflection anymore. Instead, a pale gloomy face was the only image to be seen in that cosy master bedroom. Looking around, her eyes were searching for those little figures that used to be running all over the places and throwing their tantrums as if the world has never been on their side. Her fingers gracefully untied her pony tail just to let her hair flow as much as she wanted to let her tears flowing down her cheeks. “I miss them, so much!” she sighed. Her ears were longing for those irritable yet fancy noises which at times made her day turn upside down. Her heart was now filled with countless of regrets and deep within she hoped that the day was only a dream. She laid down on her comfy bed while reminiscing the moments of her past with them.

“Mama!”

Ikmal hugged me followed by Ilyas as I entered the house. All of the problems bothering my mind just slipped away the moment I looked into those angels of mine smiling beautifully waiting to be cuddled in my arms.

Ilyas is my eldest son. He has been clingy ever since he was born and I couldn’t believe he will turn 6 years old this year. He is a smart boy who loves lego and arts. Recalling each moments with him; I found that he is a highly sensitive person. He is much attached to me physically and emotionally as compared to his brother. Between Ilyas and his brother, Ilyas is more prone to be hugged and kissed and he also shows more affection towards everyone around him. Being the first child, the first nephew and the first grandchild, he is blessed with so much love and attention since he came into our life. He is very mature emotionally I would say and this reminds me to always be his biggest and closest supporter every time he needs me. But sometimes I forgot. I would have lost my patience and tolerance when suddenly he became rebellious on little things which don’t seem relevant to me. I ended up scolding him because of his behaviour but once again, I forgot. He was only expressing his feelings and at his age, managing emotions is not easy. Now that he has grown up, I feel very upset because I failed to show him how to take control of the emotions the right way earlier. Books can give me valuable knowledge but experience teaches me how to put the knowledge into practice. But it is easier said than done when it comes to parenting. I failed most of the time! *double sigh*

Creativity has no limit; Ilyas with his lego creation

Having Ikmal is another wonderful gift to me. He is the second baby of mine. This cheeky boy is so obsessed with lorries and he turns 4 this year! This happy tiny tod is now ready to meet the outside world. He will be going to kindergarten today, I am super nervous! The last time I sent him out, he was hospitalized after a week being there. Now 3 years has passed, I believe he is able to cope with the changes around him. When dealing with Ikmal, the feeling of relief is always there and to me, he is such an adorable and easy kid. He is not expressive like Ilyas however he is more observant not only to the surroundings but also to the emotions within. Ikmal has a tendency to give way to other people and I can see the cue of empathy is developing well from him. Being the second child in the family with a dominant elder brother; Ikmal becomes naturally independent. He is clingy too but he knows when to give space to me literally. Last October 2017, I spent almost a week in the hospital taking care of my mother where I had to leave both of my kids at home. I told Ikmal about the situation and he said, “Tak apa, Mama. Ikmal tidur rumah Atok. Ikmal ocay, Mama”. I didn’t get the chance to meet him during the period and I was really depressed. But Ikmal seemed like he truly understood my limitations and I feel it even until now that he has a magical emotional bonding with me. The feeling which I felt the moment I saw his face when he was born. I couldn’t find the right word for that feeling because it is so special and unique which can be felt only between me and him.

Indecisive; Ikmal got himself confused whether he liked it or not

I have 2 hours left before the school ends. It is the first day of the year! I am so nervous because school is coming and this year, I will be sending not only Ilyas but also Ikmal to the new school. I have to put both boys at the same school due to logistic issue and I have to believe that this is the best decision so far. I always have my-one-kind-of perception when it comes to school. I still remember how difficult it was for me to enjoy my schooling years. I didn’t like kindergarten. I would cry all day long. In fact, I would be carried out by the school bus driver every day, Pakcik Majid because I just hated being in school environment. Things became worst when I was in my first primary school. I was enrolled until evening session. I couldn’t remember any happy moments but all I know; I would call my father every afternoon making random excuses that I was unable to continue the evening session i.e. feeling sick. Or if my father rejected my silly excuses; I would sleep throughout the evening session in the classroom! That was me and my childhood experience. How about my boys? I wish them the greatest experience ever! Therefore, I have to be all prepared to ensure the boys have the best experience they deserve this year.

Check out my 2018 checklist below:-

• To sleep at 10pm the latest every day because I need to encounter my sleep deprivation issue and of course I want the boys to have adequate sleep at night so they will be energetic throughout the day!
• To prepare my working attire for 5 days in advance so that I don’t have to waste my time thinking of what to wear to the office. Because now I have 3 persons (including myself) to be dealt with and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s mood early in the morning.
• To have outdoor activities with my boys every Saturdays. I know where I should bring them now; a place where I can manage them safely on my own.
• To read more books with different genre. I am finalizing the list and will purchase them sooner.
• To review my 2017 KPI at work and continue to do well for my 2018 KPI despite the challenging market growth.
• To write, write and write!

Overall my 2018 will be more or less the same in terms of my daily routines. I don’t feel like changing it however my priority now is of course on my kids’ well being. I don’t want to have more regrets by not nourishing the moments with my kids now. Ilyas is 6 and Ikmal is 4 only once and I don't want to live every single day complaining on how tough parenting is. I have to change my attitude towards them now or I will spend my life pathetically later. The imagination earlier shouldn't be haunting me and I wish it will never be true. I have to make the changes now. I know the time will pass by and one day I have to let them go. I have learnt from the past year that work has no end unless I put an end to it. To be able to live the days satisfactorily, I have to be happy at the first place. I found my happiness by seeing my loved ones happy. Make them happy now; that is my daily target and I have to hit it no matter what. I guess my 2018 will be filled with much more happiness and I am so excited to make it happen now!

Happy 2018, everyone! It all starts now!

The end. Thank you! =)